Category: Marriage Counselling

marriage

Pornography Addiction Ruins Couple’s Marriage

What started as the perfect relationship for Jane (name changed) and her relationship with her childhood friend turned into a relationship nightmare because of his addiction to pornography.

The Red Flag

Being close friends and a couple who shared many experiences, Jane suspected that there was a dark secret with John*(name changed) behind his addiction to pornography. She eventually found out that he and many other kids were sexually abused from the age of 5 till he was 15 years old by a man that was close to their families.

The trauma of the sexual assault John faced further deepened when the sexual predator killed himself, and the victimized boys never got a trail in court.

After 13 years of marriage to John, Jane finally came into terms with the damage that the childhood trauma had caused on her husband and his addiction to porn.

The Impact

John was continuously anxious, aggressive or depressed and nervous about his privacy and he was defensive when she tried to talk to him about his masturbating habit and how it affected their relationship.

John had unrealistic expectations for her to be sexually satisfied within a few seconds just like the pornography that he watched. Since Jane could not live up to that expectation, she felt performance anxiety, distant and unattractive and even helpless though she wanted to care for him and help him.

It took a toll on their marriage when John refused to admit his addiction and made Jane feel betrayed and disrespected and hurt even though she was trying her best to be understanding.

Their 15 years marriage finally dissolved after they consulted a marriage counsellor. Jane could not see a reason to stay and had no assurance about their future and John wanted to start another life with a younger woman.

The Specialist

Dr.Smith, a clinical and forensic psychologist, explains that though the number of pornography addicts is less, addressing the issue becomes a problem. Even though it is not all related to childhood trauma, there are cases of past influences behind the addiction. The treatment is similar to drugs and alcohol abuse and involves various approaches that involve communicating and adapting.

He says that couples like Jane and John dealing with pornography addiction can seek help from couples therapy or sex therapy where they can find common grounds of understanding, abstinence and controlled usage if they want to save the relationship.

husband no longer loves his wife

Husband Says He No Longer Loves His Wife After Caring For Her Illness

Fiona Caine, a trained counsellor and columnist, offers her expertise to a woman whose husband has fallen out of love with her without an explanation after taking care of her during her 12 months long illness while pretending that everything is fine between them in front of others.

The Problem

After she had recovered and decided to rekindle the romance, she was devastated to hear her husband say that he no longer loves her. He had never indicated any sign of disinterest or resentment, pretends like everything is fine and still share the same bed and have no plans of separating but refuse to consider counselling or provide an explanation to his wife.

Understanding the Situation

Being in a situation of the woman can be devastating and confusing, but through the experiences of Fiona, the expert says that there must have been some resentment from the past that made him question his feelings for her and the fact that they are both growing old might have triggered his sudden change in behavior.

How to Deal With Such Situation

  • Ask For Clarity

As human beings, feelings can alter and whether or not the husband’s reaction was because of accumulated resentment or a sudden one, he owes an explanation even for the fact that they were together for 22 years.

  • Be Realistic

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you can start by making your partner understand the reality of his actions and stop sleeping together and do things that you would typically do as a couple.

  • Encourage Conversation

Try harder to talk to him and push if you must but if he still refuses to talk, consider what severe measures you are willing to risk. Set a time limit to sort out their feelings and assess the situation after that.

  • Seek a Counsellor Alone

If all else fails, Caine suggests considering counselling alone to help I understand the situation, gain emotional support and mental clarity. The counsellor can also help gain new perspectives to deal with new possible conditions such as a relationship without intimacy, an open relationship or separation. Counselling can also give you a new approach to deal with the situation without losing self-esteem and integrity.

finding love outside an unhappy marriage

Finding Love Outside an Unhappy Marriage

After 16 years of marriage, Tara found herself bidding her time in an unhappy marriage where she felt that the love and affection were lost. Even her two kids could sense that the husband disliked her and they had not made physical contact for years. It was devastating her emotionally and mentally.

Unhealthy Marriage

Tara had no alternatives but to stay in the marriage because of financial fears as she was not earning enough to support herself and her two kids. She also did not dare to face the emotional and financial strain of putting the kids in different homes.

Miserable and Unhappy

Tara was living a desperately unhappy and miserable married life until she met Grant at her daughter’s school. They started bonding over the kids at the playground and soon found out about each other’s unhappiness and the conditions that led them to stay in a relationship that was no longer good for their emotional and mental health.

Facing Reality

Eventually, Tara and Grant fell in love despite still being in separate marriages, and when they told their partners about it, the news worsened the situation. Grant’s wife threatened to take their kids and move back to Germany while Tara’s husband realized his love for her too late. It caused so much emotional strain on both their families that they were not ready to live together yet.

Dealing with the Consequences Through Counselling

Tara and her husband went to a marriage counselling, but it did not change her feelings about Grant. The counseling was adequate for a few months during which time they were able to sort out an amicable separation nearby where they could co-parent the kids.

Grant dealt with the situation in his terms while keeping his distance from Tara and allowing them to cope with their different positions in their way separately.

A year later, Grant came back to Tara’s life after a clean break up with his wife, and they are now engaged and happier than ever. They dealt with their complicated relationships with the help of a counsellor and emerged successful in creating a more comfortable life for themselves.